my story...Part 1

I was sitting in the middle of Sherry Maurice's living room and had just found out my Mexico building team assignment....To say I was disappointed that I was on a different building team from last year was putting my feelings quite mildly. Last years' trip to Mexico had been absolutely beautiful, meaningful, important, and I had attributed most of my positive feelings associated with that trip to the people I spent four days building a house with. I had a hard time grasping the idea that a lot of my friends were on the same building team this year and I was on a new one...alone. Everyone on my new team had been paired with their best friends, and/or family members, and I felt completely left out. I know I wasn't going to Mexico to hang out with my friends, but I couldn't help but feel disappointed as I headed home from our final team meeting....Mexico was in two short days and all of a sudden I didn't even think I wanted to go....I came home from the meeting and did what I do best...cried...A LOT..I was upset..at Mike and Megan for obviously hating me and taking me from my beloved team, at myself for being so upset over something so ridiculously petty, and I'll admit it...I was mad at God.."Seriously, God why are you doing this to me?? Why are you taking me away from my friends and putting me on this different team filled with people who were already close???" I didn't even ask "Why me???" when I got cancer...I was completely over-reacting, but I was upset.

But, I went to bed that night and made the decision that no matter how sad I was, that I was going to put it behind me and make the best of the team I had been put on...But I also did something else that morning...one day before I left for Mexico I decided to shut off my emotion...I was really upset with myself over the disappointment I felt and displayed and I was determined to let it all go, but along with the disappointment and sadness, I made the decision right then and there to not really feel much of anything on this trip. I told myself that God must have planned for others on my new team to experience the joy, sadness, excitement, heartbreak, and love that I had felt last year. My time was over and it was time for me to step aside and play a supportive role to some of the other people on my new team who had never been to Mexico before....Was I still upset?? You bet, but I pushed it down because: 1. I had probably already made God pretty mad at me for asking the proverbial "why me?" question and I didn't want Him angry at me when I was in an airplane and 2. It wasn't fair to my new team mates..I had to put on my game face and go help build this house. There wasn't time to wallow in self-pity. As my good friend Megan always says, "This isn't about you Donna." And she was right. So adios emotions: disappointment, sadness, even happiness. It was just easier for me to shut it all off than to feel any of it.....

But God had another plan for me...and in that moment when I stepped on my flight to head to San Diego, thinking I had the upper hand on this situation.....well God must have been looking down on me and laughing uncontrollably at my ignorance and pride. I didn't know it then, but I was about to be completely humbled and broke over and over and over again that week and I'd like to say I saw what God was trying to show me as soon as I made the decision to be a team player, but nope I was stubborn continually and the climax of this story finds me in a hotel parking lot begging God this: "God please, let me go...let this be over. Break me NOW. Let me hit bottom because I can't fall any more. Let me feel the lowest of the lowest so I can fix this." Seriously I told Him that..."Break me so I can start the fixing." What an idiot...there's a lot that happened in between that brought me to that place, but my head hurts...so I guess I'll finish later