So tomorrow is the BIG day. Jay and I have decided we are getting baptized. So, at Real Life they ask you to do a "full immersion" baptism which is exactly as it sounds...you get completely submerged in the water. Why, you may ask? Well, I think it's just to make sure you get really baptized (kidding...kind of). The main reason being that's how Jesus did it ya'll and what's good for Jesus is good enough for you and me, right? It's an expression of your faith in Jesus and as a writer I'm all about symbolism and poetry. It's really a beautiful expression of one's love for Christ...
The baptism is symbolic for washing your sins away. So knowing that, I figure the ocean would be a much more acceptable place for me to do that rather than someone's backyard swimming pool. Not to discredit someone else's experience of taking their "dip" in the pool...I just felt like I needed the depth and breadth of the ocean to wash away my sins. Everybody's different. So all kidding aside, I am NERVOUS! I mean, heart racing, palms sweating, NERVOUS! And I'm going to be completely honest here as to why. A lot of you know I am a control freak...very TYPE A. It's something I struggle with ALL THE TIME. I hate surprises, because someone knows what's going on before me (which, on a side note, is what drives me NUTS about my sis-in-law...she is the absolute BEST secret keeper EVER...She, for some strange reason, thinks it's cute and sweet to surprise people with things rather than divulging every little detail about oneself....hmmmmm). Anyway, trying new things is extremely stressful for me. It's not that I don't enjoy new stuff. I just don't like the unexpected. God and I argue about this ALL the time...You can guess who wins those arguments...I feel a need to be prepared for the upcoming situation so I can practice how to react and to know what I'm going to look like while I'm reacting..But as I write these words I can see how someone may misinterpret that to be very vain, but the truth is I have low self-esteem and being "exposed' makes me nervous!!! Which is exactly why I had Jay fill up the bathtub with water and practice "dipping" me....I'm kidding again, but that might not be a bad idea...
I am concerned about a couple of things...maybe some of you who have been there/done that can put my mind @ ease..
1st--What happens if I fall while my pastor is dipping me?..What in the world does that say about me, that I'm even thinking such things? If I'm under water, floundering will Doug help me back up or say, "You're on your own chick. God obviously has another plan for you."
2nd --What in the WORLD am I supposed to wear to this "event"? A prom dress seems appropriate..this is big-deal stuff happening, but not very practical. Bathing suit doesn't seem appropriate, but extremely practical....Maybe there's some sort of fancy baptism suit out there that I don't know about, if so, can I get one of those pronto?
3rd--Am I allowed to hold my nose or does that show my lack of faith?
4th--to quote Wayne and Garth "I'm not worthy." There are certainly better people than I out there who have yet to be baptized. I have a hard time believing that I can shoulder the weight of a baptism, but then again, I guess that's the whole reason for Jesus and the cross....
So there it is everyone, all laid out...my fears, doubts, and uncertainties concerning my upcoming baptism..All jokes and kidding aside (it's clearly a defense mechanism), I'm worried about living up to the challenge I have set before myself. I'm a perfectionist and once I do this, in my mind, there is no turning back...I understand somewhere deep inside that perfection is not a prerequisite for being baptized; I just can't shake the feeling that something MORE will now be expected from me...Can I live up to that? Wish me luck......
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