Just One Of Those Days

Most of you know last January I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and almost one year ago had my thyroid removed---to remove the cancer and to prevent recurrence. I was told, by doctors, family, friends, (and the most annoying) friends of family and friends, that this was the Cadillac of cancers to have...the easiest to "cure," the least likely to RE-occur...If you HAVE to have cancer-this is the BEST cancer to get! And to top off getting the "Cadillac of cancers" I had the BEST form of the BEST kind of cancer, Papillary Thyroid cancer!!! I hit the cancer lottery ya'll...The most treatable form of the most treatable kind of cancer there is!!!!! Seriously, could it get ANY better than THIS?????...

I still had freaking cancer.....

And even though I was most likely to come out of this experience ok; I had to deal with the psychological repercussions of having the "big C." I was a part of a new club that I never wanted to join; and even though my cancer is GONE....the memory of having it is not...

For the most part in the past year, I have refrained from self pity. And honestly, I have had very few moments where I've let my diagnosis, treatment, and recovery get me down. I've held up amazingly well and more often than not, looked at the proverbial glass as being half full (which as many of you know; is oddly not in my cynical nature..hahaha)....So for now, permit me a moment to be human: A human with faults, fears, dislikes, confusion, and yes: a day when I feel sorry for myself.

A day when I feel sick and worry if I'm feeling sick because my MEDS are wrong.

A day that I freak out and cry because I need to take FIVE PILLS every day to keep me ALIVE.

A day when the guilt of having these negative feelings weighs on me to the point of BREAKING.

A day when I can't even think about the SUFFERING of others cause it's all I can do to get through my own........

ever had one of those?

And so I write....not to have someone feel sorry for me, or to worry about me, or to call me because they haven't in a while, or to hug me because they think that's what I need....

I write because it makes ME feel better.

I write because sometimes I'll type something quite witty and I'll picture one of my friends laughing.

I write because it's what I do when I am happy, or sad, or confused, or questioning...

I get nervous when I can't write because it usually means I am nothing: feeling nothing, doing nothing, being nothing....and that doesn't sit well with me....because even though I've had a crappy day; I at least had A day.....right? and for today, that's the best I've got to give. I might have more tomorrow.....

The Bible Reading Continues....

This is what's going on with me ya'll....NOTHING...seriously...All I do is teach the kids, read the Bible (how holy sounding), and complain about reading the Bible (how UNholy sounding)....I REALLY don't know if I can make it through the next two months of this! I need encouragement...Jason and I are holding on by the skin of our teeth. One day he's enthusiastic about the readings, the next day; not. Luckily our ebb and flow have worked out in each others' favor. He encourages me when I need it, and I encourage him when he is over it...Nice little teamwork thing we have going on, no?

The question, however, that keeps plaguing me is...Why am I doing this? Is it solely for the purpose of being able to say I've read the entire Bible? AND if that is the reason...well, who cares? Really...who cares if I've read the entire Bible???? Do I even care? Reading certainly doesn't guarantee clarity. In fact, I've never been more confused in my life. I find myself furiously reading and praying for a moment of understanding, a line, phrase, passage, that speaks to me...that brings everything into focus...(maybe I just need a prescription for new glasses...that Bible print really is quite tiny)...All jokes aside; this is truly stressing me out...Why am I doing this? Why am I not content to go to church on Sunday and learn what I need to learn there? Is it the know-it-all in me? The fierce competitor? And are those admirable reasons for agreeing to do this? Hardly.

Here's the thing that bothers me the most. If I want to finish this book in 90 days, I don't have the time to ponder over the reason I am doing it...I just have to keep reading. Maybe the understanding of purpose will come when I'm finished. But what if it doesn't? What if I read the entire Bible in 90 days and am completely UN-changed. Sure, I may be able to answer the Bible trivia questions on Jeopardy, but what if I'm spiritually unchanged....scary thought...You hear about people reading the Bible all the time and claiming they are "changed" because of it( I mean, come on, look @ Stephen Baldwin)...what if I'm the ONE person who quite literally reads the ENTIRE bible and gets nothing out of it...walks away the exact same person I was on New Years Eve 2009; the night before I took on this challenge? At least if I quit I will have the excuse of not evolving in a spiritual sense. Say I finish though, and all I can say is "Wow, I read the whole Bible." Will I be satisfied with that? Would God? Quitting may be my only way out of such spiritual embarrassment......

But something keeps me going...Day 35 and I'm still in it...What I'm getting out it..not quite sure....yet.