Just One Of Those Days

Most of you know last January I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and almost one year ago had my thyroid removed---to remove the cancer and to prevent recurrence. I was told, by doctors, family, friends, (and the most annoying) friends of family and friends, that this was the Cadillac of cancers to have...the easiest to "cure," the least likely to RE-occur...If you HAVE to have cancer-this is the BEST cancer to get! And to top off getting the "Cadillac of cancers" I had the BEST form of the BEST kind of cancer, Papillary Thyroid cancer!!! I hit the cancer lottery ya'll...The most treatable form of the most treatable kind of cancer there is!!!!! Seriously, could it get ANY better than THIS?????...

I still had freaking cancer.....

And even though I was most likely to come out of this experience ok; I had to deal with the psychological repercussions of having the "big C." I was a part of a new club that I never wanted to join; and even though my cancer is GONE....the memory of having it is not...

For the most part in the past year, I have refrained from self pity. And honestly, I have had very few moments where I've let my diagnosis, treatment, and recovery get me down. I've held up amazingly well and more often than not, looked at the proverbial glass as being half full (which as many of you know; is oddly not in my cynical nature..hahaha)....So for now, permit me a moment to be human: A human with faults, fears, dislikes, confusion, and yes: a day when I feel sorry for myself.

A day when I feel sick and worry if I'm feeling sick because my MEDS are wrong.

A day that I freak out and cry because I need to take FIVE PILLS every day to keep me ALIVE.

A day when the guilt of having these negative feelings weighs on me to the point of BREAKING.

A day when I can't even think about the SUFFERING of others cause it's all I can do to get through my own........

ever had one of those?

And so I write....not to have someone feel sorry for me, or to worry about me, or to call me because they haven't in a while, or to hug me because they think that's what I need....

I write because it makes ME feel better.

I write because sometimes I'll type something quite witty and I'll picture one of my friends laughing.

I write because it's what I do when I am happy, or sad, or confused, or questioning...

I get nervous when I can't write because it usually means I am nothing: feeling nothing, doing nothing, being nothing....and that doesn't sit well with me....because even though I've had a crappy day; I at least had A day.....right? and for today, that's the best I've got to give. I might have more tomorrow.....