Thursday Thoughts....

I had cancer a couple of years ago (thyroid) and following my surgery and recovery...i had this whole new perspective on life and everything that was thrown my way...I really did look @ everything as a gift...and it was like this incredible high and wonderful feeling...nothing really bothered me, I didn't get stressed, I was completely happy and content and it lasted for a while, but it slowly started to fade and one day I woke up and realized I was exactly the same person I was before I found out I had cancer. And it really made me sad to think that this feeling of euphroria was gone and I was left having to "work" to appreciate everything. I was like everyone else...taking life, family, God for granted...sad, huh? well, I'm slowly coming out of the shell shock of all that and I really do believe that it takes work to be happy and that it's more of a decision rather than something we race to catch...so I wake up and tell God, "Bring it..I've got this..." and yeah, it's not the euphoria that I once had for a brief moment, but rather something so much more...just some thoughts..I'm grateful for it all...though not to say some chapters in my life are more fun/happy/interesting/colorful than others...the thought that I can choose happiness is comforting.

Dream Dwelling....

I've been listening to a lot of music since I've gotten back from Mexico. I have mixed feelings about this...On one hand it's like coming home to an old friend....I hate that life gets so busy that I don't have time to listen to music, discover new artists....on the other hand it's forcing me to deal with feelings that I'm not sure I can even begin to deal with...funny how music can evoke such strong emotion...I think it's interesting that music has played such a tiny role in my life over the past decade...music forces us to introspectize ( I totally just made that word up)...maybe I haven't been up for that...this reminds me of an epiode of The World of Jenks where filmmaker Andrew Jenks follows the rapper Maino around and something Maino says struck me...He was telling Jenks that he didn't start writing until he had been in prison..he was a fan of rap, but never wrote anything himself until he had been in jail for two years...He said he didn't have the time to think about things in real life, to go over "stuff in his mind." But prison gave him the time to think and reflect which eventually led to him writing..

now I'm not saying that going to prison is a good thing and that it's the only way to tap into your creativity, but I think Maino is onto something...Why do we let ourselves get so busy with life and inane details, that we abandon things that are important?

So....I would say to you today...stop a minute....Listen to one of your favorite songs, take a moment to get in touch with a friend you haven't heard from in a while, apologize, pray, cry, whatever is real for you but definitely remember to feel...because sometimes if we don't make it happen, then it doesn't...take some time...dwell on a dream....

.Sooo what's you favorite music to soul search to? Who is your go-to band when you need to think, breathe, re-evaluate, just be you???

this is one of my favorites...it's only 2 min..def. worth watching it....just lovely..

my story: the end?

I had promised Antonio we were going up the mountain to visit with Katelyn and even though Katelyn had come down the first day and had run into Antonio, I was going to keep my promise to him. The mountain was within viewing distance but it was still going to be a challenge to reach the job site. We would have to drive our van over to the base of the mountain and then climb up the rest of the way. I wanted to make sure Antonio's mom was ok with me taking him so I asked Katelyn's brother Michael who is fairly fluent in Spanish how to ask her. A few hours later I was standing in front of Antonio's mom speaking my very rehearsed request. I wasn't sure if she was going to let me take him because I had noticed this year, Antonio was staying pretty close to his home. This was way different from last year when he roamed the streets of the neighborhood going back and forth from our job sites and not paying much attention to checking in with his family. I sensed there was a reason he had been keeping closer to his house, but wasn't sure why.

Antonio's mom remembered me from helping with her neighbor Lydia's house and she agreed to let me take Antonio. He was so excited and so was I!! I went back to our job site grabbed a couple of girls, Antonio, and the van keys. We loaded into the van and headed to the base. We climbed up and had a reunion with Katelyn as well as the others on her team that had known Antonio from the previous year! It was a fun afternoon. I looked over at Antonio at one point while we were up there and thought how easy it was to love this little boy. How simple and pure it can be to befriend someone even though they don't speak your language or you theirs.

The next day and a half went by pretty quickly as we finished up the house we were working on for our sweet family. We had church on Wednesday night which was an amazing and emotional experience and on Thursday afternoon we dedicated our houses. We managed to get in some quick goodbyes to all the neighborhood kids and adults late Thursday afternoon. I remember driving away that day feeling blessed to have seen everyone from the previous year, happy I was able to help build another house in the neighborhood, and pushing down a fairly dominant feeling that I was leaving without truly understanding the reason I had come.

There was some talk that evening about me and Katelyn returning to the village the next morning with Jim to visit a bit longer and say proper goodbyes, but I assumed it wouldn't happen when late Thursday night Katelyn got fairly sick and was still in bed @ breakfast time on Friday morning. I asked her if she had any interest in still going and she said yes. I was hoping to bring someone with us that spoke Spanish and asked Michael if he could come and translate. I really wanted Kenya, Lydia, and especially Antonio to know how much we loved them and would miss them and I didn't trust my poor Spanish speaking skills to convey all that. Turns out Michael and Jim had a bit of work to do on their house to finish it up, so Michael was in.

A little later the four us loaded into the van and returned to the neighborhood. The plan was for Jim and Michael to go up the mountain and finish their work while Katelyn and I visited with whoever was out and about in the neighborhood. The guys would come and get us when they were finished. So Jim dropped me and Katelyn off in front of Lydia and Kenya's house. They came out right away. Lydia invited us into her house. She was so eager to show us what she had done with the house since we had built it and turned it over to her. She took us into Kenya's room and pointed to the framed baby pictures that hung above the set of bunk beds. All the stuffed animals our team had given her were crowded on her bed and the pillow with the flowered pillowcase I had left for her laid at the head of the bed. In both bedrooms were handmade armories for clothes that had been built out of the scrap wood we had left on site. She invited us to sit at the small plastic table in the main living area. The language gap was much more apparent in this intimate setting. I think Katelyn and I were both frustrated that we couldn't communicate the way we wanted to. We took a few pics and decided to head outside to look for Antonio.

We saw him right away as we were leaving Kenya's house. He wanted us to come to his house too so we followed the little path between their homes into Antonio's yard. He was so excited to show us his dog who shook paws. He was just beaming and seemed as happy as we were to share a few more minutes together.

Then Antonio's mother came out. She handed us a bottle of medicine and pointed to Antonio. We tried to understand what she was saying to us. She seemed to be asking us for something, but we couldn't quite figure out what she wanted. I looked up toward to mountain to see if Jim and Michael were still there. We really needed a translator to help us figure out what Antonio's mom was telling us. She kept pointing to her head and making this motion that looked like scratching. We were able to figure out that Antonio couldn't return to school until he had been given this medicine. We thought maybe he had lice and I'm not going to lie I panicked for a moment. I had been kissing and hugging on this boy all week. If he had lice, then I certainly had it now. She invited us into the house and started showing us medical forms which obviously told us what was wrong with Antonio, but I had no way of understanding what in the world they said. I felt so helpless and I had a pretty strong feeling that Antonio did not have lice. Just then Jim and Michael showed up.

Katelyn and I were standing in the living room and the guys peeked in to see where we were. I could tell Antonio's mom was embarrassed to have the guys come into the home, but Michael introduced himself and Jim and she stepped aside to let them in. Michael translated and we were able to figure out that Antonio had recently been diagnosed with epilepsy and the family had a medical bill for 1,500 pesos (less than $150 usd) that they could not pay. She told us she made tamales everyday and that her older son Umberto sold them for extra money. She was asking for our help and in that moment I realized my relationship with this family had just changed. There was never a question that Katelyn and I were going to help this mother of this sweet little boy whom we already loved. We wanted to pay the entire bill, but it was the end of the week and I was low on cash. We decided we would give her $50 then and figure out a way to help more when we got back home. I took the money out of my pocket and handed it to her, asking Michael to tell her that it wasn't the entire amount, but it was all we could spare right then. She grabbed my hands and looked me in the eyes saying something intently. I looked away toward Michael so he could tell me what she was saying and so my tears were visible to him and not her. She told me I was strong in my faith and thanked me. We told her we would have the pastor of the neighborhood church get in touch with them. She told us she didn't attend church, but seemed grateful. I was on the verge of losing it..completely breaking down right there in that tiny Mexican home, but I knew I would keep it together because I had to. We said goodbyes which seemed even more important now than they had yesterday. I hugged Antonio trying to smile so he wouldn't be sad, but I could tell he was....and we got back in the van together.

We were all pretty quiet as we drove away. I remember crying: not a sobbing, uncontrollable cry, but this extremely sad, quiet, small cry. I had never felt more humbled and helpless in my life. I realized right then that God had created this moment. This was why I had come to Mexico.. ..and everything that I thought had gone wrong on this trip had only been little stepping stones bringing me to this exact moment..It was an extremely overwhelming moment and I wasn't ready to think about it all right then, so I decided to focus on the music playing in the van...not one of my smarter moves...It was the Rascal Flatts song I Won't let Go...and then I realized that even though I wanted to push this away from my mind that God didn't want me to. I listened to those lyrics as we drove away...Michael was quietly singing along and my heart just cracked into a million pieces.

I realized that my purpose last week in Mexico was not just to hang out with friends, make new friends, and build a home for a needy family...it was so much more than I could have ever imagined and even though I fought God's plan tooth and nail all week it still played out exactly as He had planned it. He is in control, not me.

We drove out of Mexico that afternoon and my heart was heavy. Later that evening I had a pretty intense conversation with God. I begged Him to stop my pain. I wanted this sadness gone and I told God to break me so I could begin the process of fixing...Seriously HAD I LEARNED NOTHING????? In that moment of my ridiculous prayer I realized that I couldn't fix this and the only one who could needed my faith and obedience NOT my shallow request for peace. I'm still working on figuring out what happened in Mexico and what my role in this whole situation may or may not be, but I do know that God brought me to that moment and He will show me the way...I just have to let Him guide me...

I keep going over all the "what ifs" of that day that we found out about Antonio...what if we hadn't gone back on Friday morning to say goodbye? What if Michael had not been there to translate? But I've kind of come to the conclusion that it never would have played out in any other way..there are no "what-ifs" , no coincidences...and when I try to understand it all it just boggles my mind, but there's also a comfort in it. I just pray that I learn to accept that comfort more often rather than build up walls that keep it out....

I may sound overwhelmed by this experience and I'll admit I often struggle with why God has given me so much passion for people, places, and moments, but I can honestly say I feel so blessed to have been where i was last week and to be where I am today. I accept this sadness and heartbreak with as much enthusiasm as the joy...I'm alive and living; in fact living well...I couldn't ask for any more.