my story: the end?

I had promised Antonio we were going up the mountain to visit with Katelyn and even though Katelyn had come down the first day and had run into Antonio, I was going to keep my promise to him. The mountain was within viewing distance but it was still going to be a challenge to reach the job site. We would have to drive our van over to the base of the mountain and then climb up the rest of the way. I wanted to make sure Antonio's mom was ok with me taking him so I asked Katelyn's brother Michael who is fairly fluent in Spanish how to ask her. A few hours later I was standing in front of Antonio's mom speaking my very rehearsed request. I wasn't sure if she was going to let me take him because I had noticed this year, Antonio was staying pretty close to his home. This was way different from last year when he roamed the streets of the neighborhood going back and forth from our job sites and not paying much attention to checking in with his family. I sensed there was a reason he had been keeping closer to his house, but wasn't sure why.

Antonio's mom remembered me from helping with her neighbor Lydia's house and she agreed to let me take Antonio. He was so excited and so was I!! I went back to our job site grabbed a couple of girls, Antonio, and the van keys. We loaded into the van and headed to the base. We climbed up and had a reunion with Katelyn as well as the others on her team that had known Antonio from the previous year! It was a fun afternoon. I looked over at Antonio at one point while we were up there and thought how easy it was to love this little boy. How simple and pure it can be to befriend someone even though they don't speak your language or you theirs.

The next day and a half went by pretty quickly as we finished up the house we were working on for our sweet family. We had church on Wednesday night which was an amazing and emotional experience and on Thursday afternoon we dedicated our houses. We managed to get in some quick goodbyes to all the neighborhood kids and adults late Thursday afternoon. I remember driving away that day feeling blessed to have seen everyone from the previous year, happy I was able to help build another house in the neighborhood, and pushing down a fairly dominant feeling that I was leaving without truly understanding the reason I had come.

There was some talk that evening about me and Katelyn returning to the village the next morning with Jim to visit a bit longer and say proper goodbyes, but I assumed it wouldn't happen when late Thursday night Katelyn got fairly sick and was still in bed @ breakfast time on Friday morning. I asked her if she had any interest in still going and she said yes. I was hoping to bring someone with us that spoke Spanish and asked Michael if he could come and translate. I really wanted Kenya, Lydia, and especially Antonio to know how much we loved them and would miss them and I didn't trust my poor Spanish speaking skills to convey all that. Turns out Michael and Jim had a bit of work to do on their house to finish it up, so Michael was in.

A little later the four us loaded into the van and returned to the neighborhood. The plan was for Jim and Michael to go up the mountain and finish their work while Katelyn and I visited with whoever was out and about in the neighborhood. The guys would come and get us when they were finished. So Jim dropped me and Katelyn off in front of Lydia and Kenya's house. They came out right away. Lydia invited us into her house. She was so eager to show us what she had done with the house since we had built it and turned it over to her. She took us into Kenya's room and pointed to the framed baby pictures that hung above the set of bunk beds. All the stuffed animals our team had given her were crowded on her bed and the pillow with the flowered pillowcase I had left for her laid at the head of the bed. In both bedrooms were handmade armories for clothes that had been built out of the scrap wood we had left on site. She invited us to sit at the small plastic table in the main living area. The language gap was much more apparent in this intimate setting. I think Katelyn and I were both frustrated that we couldn't communicate the way we wanted to. We took a few pics and decided to head outside to look for Antonio.

We saw him right away as we were leaving Kenya's house. He wanted us to come to his house too so we followed the little path between their homes into Antonio's yard. He was so excited to show us his dog who shook paws. He was just beaming and seemed as happy as we were to share a few more minutes together.

Then Antonio's mother came out. She handed us a bottle of medicine and pointed to Antonio. We tried to understand what she was saying to us. She seemed to be asking us for something, but we couldn't quite figure out what she wanted. I looked up toward to mountain to see if Jim and Michael were still there. We really needed a translator to help us figure out what Antonio's mom was telling us. She kept pointing to her head and making this motion that looked like scratching. We were able to figure out that Antonio couldn't return to school until he had been given this medicine. We thought maybe he had lice and I'm not going to lie I panicked for a moment. I had been kissing and hugging on this boy all week. If he had lice, then I certainly had it now. She invited us into the house and started showing us medical forms which obviously told us what was wrong with Antonio, but I had no way of understanding what in the world they said. I felt so helpless and I had a pretty strong feeling that Antonio did not have lice. Just then Jim and Michael showed up.

Katelyn and I were standing in the living room and the guys peeked in to see where we were. I could tell Antonio's mom was embarrassed to have the guys come into the home, but Michael introduced himself and Jim and she stepped aside to let them in. Michael translated and we were able to figure out that Antonio had recently been diagnosed with epilepsy and the family had a medical bill for 1,500 pesos (less than $150 usd) that they could not pay. She told us she made tamales everyday and that her older son Umberto sold them for extra money. She was asking for our help and in that moment I realized my relationship with this family had just changed. There was never a question that Katelyn and I were going to help this mother of this sweet little boy whom we already loved. We wanted to pay the entire bill, but it was the end of the week and I was low on cash. We decided we would give her $50 then and figure out a way to help more when we got back home. I took the money out of my pocket and handed it to her, asking Michael to tell her that it wasn't the entire amount, but it was all we could spare right then. She grabbed my hands and looked me in the eyes saying something intently. I looked away toward Michael so he could tell me what she was saying and so my tears were visible to him and not her. She told me I was strong in my faith and thanked me. We told her we would have the pastor of the neighborhood church get in touch with them. She told us she didn't attend church, but seemed grateful. I was on the verge of losing it..completely breaking down right there in that tiny Mexican home, but I knew I would keep it together because I had to. We said goodbyes which seemed even more important now than they had yesterday. I hugged Antonio trying to smile so he wouldn't be sad, but I could tell he was....and we got back in the van together.

We were all pretty quiet as we drove away. I remember crying: not a sobbing, uncontrollable cry, but this extremely sad, quiet, small cry. I had never felt more humbled and helpless in my life. I realized right then that God had created this moment. This was why I had come to Mexico.. ..and everything that I thought had gone wrong on this trip had only been little stepping stones bringing me to this exact moment..It was an extremely overwhelming moment and I wasn't ready to think about it all right then, so I decided to focus on the music playing in the van...not one of my smarter moves...It was the Rascal Flatts song I Won't let Go...and then I realized that even though I wanted to push this away from my mind that God didn't want me to. I listened to those lyrics as we drove away...Michael was quietly singing along and my heart just cracked into a million pieces.

I realized that my purpose last week in Mexico was not just to hang out with friends, make new friends, and build a home for a needy family...it was so much more than I could have ever imagined and even though I fought God's plan tooth and nail all week it still played out exactly as He had planned it. He is in control, not me.

We drove out of Mexico that afternoon and my heart was heavy. Later that evening I had a pretty intense conversation with God. I begged Him to stop my pain. I wanted this sadness gone and I told God to break me so I could begin the process of fixing...Seriously HAD I LEARNED NOTHING????? In that moment of my ridiculous prayer I realized that I couldn't fix this and the only one who could needed my faith and obedience NOT my shallow request for peace. I'm still working on figuring out what happened in Mexico and what my role in this whole situation may or may not be, but I do know that God brought me to that moment and He will show me the way...I just have to let Him guide me...

I keep going over all the "what ifs" of that day that we found out about Antonio...what if we hadn't gone back on Friday morning to say goodbye? What if Michael had not been there to translate? But I've kind of come to the conclusion that it never would have played out in any other way..there are no "what-ifs" , no coincidences...and when I try to understand it all it just boggles my mind, but there's also a comfort in it. I just pray that I learn to accept that comfort more often rather than build up walls that keep it out....

I may sound overwhelmed by this experience and I'll admit I often struggle with why God has given me so much passion for people, places, and moments, but I can honestly say I feel so blessed to have been where i was last week and to be where I am today. I accept this sadness and heartbreak with as much enthusiasm as the joy...I'm alive and living; in fact living well...I couldn't ask for any more.

my story part 2

So our group from Real Life had been split into three teams. Two of the teams including mine had been assigned to build houses in the same neighborhood we had built in the previous year. The third team was a bit father away; on top of a mountain that overlooked the village. I had a small hope that I would run into our family that we built a house for last year; Lydia and her daughter Kenya, but I was even more excited about the possibility of running into a little neighborhood boy Katelyn and I had befriended: Antonio. We called Antionio, Poco Diablo (little devil) because he was extremely mischevious and not entirely nice to the other neighborhood kids, but for whatever reason he seemed to love me and Katelyn and over the course of the week last year we had developed quite an attachment to this little boy. Antonio refused to say goodbye to us when it was time to leave and ran into his house when we were loading up to get into our vans. I will never forget our van pulling away and looking back to see Antionio come out if his house waving goodbye with tears running down his face. Definitely an emotional moment.

I have thought about Antonio a lot over the past year and knew I would be really disappointed if I worked in his neighborhood again, but didn't get a chance to see him. I tried to get the thought out of my head. I had no idea where in that neighborhood we would be building and I knew there were no guarantees that I would see anyone from last year. So imagine my shcok when we pulled up to our new job site and I realized we were one block away from last year's house! If I stood up tall enough, I could see the top of Lydia's house.

So I had been working on this year's house for about an hour when I turned around and saw Antonio....coming my way..All bets were off when it came to pushing my emotions down. I ran over to him and hugged him like he was one of my own babies.....Through my broken Spanish I managed to ask him if he remembered me from last year and he told me he did and pointed over to Lydia and Kenya's house; showing me that he had remembered I helped build that house. He hugged me again and this time he wouldn't let go. We just sat there staring at each other and smiling for a long time...and then I remembered Katelyn. She had to see Antonio. I asked Antonio if he remembered Katelyn from last year and he nodded as soon as I said her name. I pointed up to the mountain and told him she was building a house up there and I told him we would go see her this week. He nodded so I assumed he understood what I said. In that moment I was completely filled up. I was so happy to see Antonio!!! I asked about Kenya and Lydia and he grabbed my hand and dragged me away from the job site. He was taking me to them. We walked down the street toward last year's job site and across the road I saw Lydia, Kenya's mother. I walked quickly toward her and before I even had a chance to ask her if she remembered me she started crying. She grabbed me and hugged me. I had a special bond with Lydia last year and I was so happy to see that our friendship had survivied the year without communicating. Kenya as there too. It was a happy reunion and I felt in that moment that even though I was not on the team I wanted to be on that I was so blessed to have this opportunity to see these people so precious to my heart one more time. It was a definite gift and I was loving it! This all sounds so melodramatic, I know, but it was truly one of the most special moments in my life...These people in Esenada had such a lasting impression on my life and I was so happy to see that I had made enough of a difference in their lives to remember me...it was pretty powerful...

I've got a bit more so one more installment should finish this up...until then...

D.

my story...Part 1

I was sitting in the middle of Sherry Maurice's living room and had just found out my Mexico building team assignment....To say I was disappointed that I was on a different building team from last year was putting my feelings quite mildly. Last years' trip to Mexico had been absolutely beautiful, meaningful, important, and I had attributed most of my positive feelings associated with that trip to the people I spent four days building a house with. I had a hard time grasping the idea that a lot of my friends were on the same building team this year and I was on a new one...alone. Everyone on my new team had been paired with their best friends, and/or family members, and I felt completely left out. I know I wasn't going to Mexico to hang out with my friends, but I couldn't help but feel disappointed as I headed home from our final team meeting....Mexico was in two short days and all of a sudden I didn't even think I wanted to go....I came home from the meeting and did what I do best...cried...A LOT..I was upset..at Mike and Megan for obviously hating me and taking me from my beloved team, at myself for being so upset over something so ridiculously petty, and I'll admit it...I was mad at God.."Seriously, God why are you doing this to me?? Why are you taking me away from my friends and putting me on this different team filled with people who were already close???" I didn't even ask "Why me???" when I got cancer...I was completely over-reacting, but I was upset.

But, I went to bed that night and made the decision that no matter how sad I was, that I was going to put it behind me and make the best of the team I had been put on...But I also did something else that morning...one day before I left for Mexico I decided to shut off my emotion...I was really upset with myself over the disappointment I felt and displayed and I was determined to let it all go, but along with the disappointment and sadness, I made the decision right then and there to not really feel much of anything on this trip. I told myself that God must have planned for others on my new team to experience the joy, sadness, excitement, heartbreak, and love that I had felt last year. My time was over and it was time for me to step aside and play a supportive role to some of the other people on my new team who had never been to Mexico before....Was I still upset?? You bet, but I pushed it down because: 1. I had probably already made God pretty mad at me for asking the proverbial "why me?" question and I didn't want Him angry at me when I was in an airplane and 2. It wasn't fair to my new team mates..I had to put on my game face and go help build this house. There wasn't time to wallow in self-pity. As my good friend Megan always says, "This isn't about you Donna." And she was right. So adios emotions: disappointment, sadness, even happiness. It was just easier for me to shut it all off than to feel any of it.....

But God had another plan for me...and in that moment when I stepped on my flight to head to San Diego, thinking I had the upper hand on this situation.....well God must have been looking down on me and laughing uncontrollably at my ignorance and pride. I didn't know it then, but I was about to be completely humbled and broke over and over and over again that week and I'd like to say I saw what God was trying to show me as soon as I made the decision to be a team player, but nope I was stubborn continually and the climax of this story finds me in a hotel parking lot begging God this: "God please, let me go...let this be over. Break me NOW. Let me hit bottom because I can't fall any more. Let me feel the lowest of the lowest so I can fix this." Seriously I told Him that..."Break me so I can start the fixing." What an idiot...there's a lot that happened in between that brought me to that place, but my head hurts...so I guess I'll finish later

Funny Story

So, I am home from Mexico and to say this year's trip had an impact on my life would only be scratching the surface of things, but I'm not really quite ready to share what God taught me last week so I thought I'd jump bag into the blogging saddle with a funny story that most of you haven't heard (even those that went on the trip with me).

I'm shoving all the heavy stuff aside right now and offering you this little story in pictures...It made me laugh. Enjoy.


So long story short, I ended up on the mountain with Jim Green's team watching their dedication. Katelyn Maurice and I had decided after the dedication that we were going to go back down into the village and tell the neighborhood kids goodbye. So we hopped in a cargo van with Jim and Katelyn's brother Michael, who was going to translate for us. Well, that was the plan....until Jim's tire strikes a massive rock in the hill that renders us...well, stuck...The pics that follow tell our sweet, funny story...



The van is stuck, so Michael Maurice decides the smartest thing to do would be to well...push it...and of course Katelyn I think it's important to help...by documenting the hilarity of the situation.

The situation is getting serious, thus the need for a very serious face to accompany the very serious pushing...

OK, apparently the face (and the pushing) aren't helping so let's grab a pick ax...ummm pretty much the only loigcal thing to do.

Fernando to save the day....

Apparently American men and Mexican men solve problems the same way....by staring and saying hmmmm a lot....

Ok..clearly that's not working...let's push again...(an continue to take pics while laughing hysterically...it's important to follow this through to the end)...

and back to the pick ax...

Katelyn and I decided it would be much more interesting to creep up on Fernando and pose for incredibly creepy pics...still, of course, contributing lots to the situation at hand..

playing cards in the cargo van, while the tire is being changed....ummm yeah...someone totally swung the pick ax into the tire....